moving!

i'm getting a new blogger!! i have someone checking up on me all the time and it's getting annoying. so i will be making a new one where i can freely write how i'm feeling and the things going on. if you'd like to know what it is feel free to come up and ask me :)

the good life :)

I'm happy for once. In all of my life. I have  a great guy. I have a great friend. I have a great relationship with everyone in my life. I'm glad we're not friends anymore. And I never want to be again. I've forgotten you. Go ahead and keep trying to bring me down. I'm going to be mature and ignor it and keep my comments to myself. Because I know how to. But really, lately I've just been feeling great. Everything is falling into place. I'm so glad things happenned this way. I wouldn't change it if I could.

finally

i'm jumping in. i don't care anymore what happens. this is my life. if you don't like it fine. let me be happy.

im over it

im done trying to be so careful in my life. i don't want to look back and be like, man i really wish i knew where that would have went. no. im going for it. he's a fantastic man... im not going to let that go without giving it a shot. i'm going to drop my insecurities and fears and GO for it. who says just because of this guy my life will change or not? i don't know what will happen. but either way i will have a good life. im not going to pick him over the future i have, but who says he can't be part of it..? idk... we'll see where this goes. no need to live in fear of the future. im dealing with the present right now. and i want him now.

me

im goin under all these thoughts
feeling like im the monster
blaming others for whats going on
reaching out and begging for help
feeling completely alone
no one understands me
hating myself
fighting with myself
being completely lost
not knowing what to do next
no one understands me
hurting others
picking fights over nothing
pulling and pulling them closer
then pushing them away for good
no one understnads me
driving alone
thinking about death
how easily it comes and goes
the hurt left after it
no one understands me
faking a smile
crying inside
having thoughts pile up in my mind
keeping it all to myself
no one understands me
frustraded when people don't notice
frustrated when people ask
i don't want to say
i do want to say
i don't understand myself..
 

day-by-day

my life has slowly boiled down into a boring lifeless blob. i don't even feel like myself. durring the day i have to go by a schedual i have absolutly no control over. get up early, get ready for school, put on a fake smile, and get along with people i know don't care about me. im getting so sick of people in school. sure, some i get along with. some i love being around because they make me laugh so hard and it's my only time i get to actually laugh and be sociable. but always in the back of my mind i know i don't fit in with them. im an outcast from everyone in school. i just sort of flow. there are so many cliques but i don't really belong in any specific one... maybe you'd think that would feel good... you're not labled... but it's the complete opposite. i feel worthless kind of.. i don't fit in anywhere. ashland isn't for me. it's for people who fit in a catagory. i don't. im no one. if you had to describe me. . . well i wonder what people would say. and when i go home i don't think about those people at school, and i know they don't think about me. i go home and if im lucky i get a short nap because it's really the only time i can catch up on my sleep. i've felt so drained lately. i get up from my nap cranky because my body needs at least a whole day to veg to just be stable again. but i can't get that... i have to get ready and go to work. a job i absolutly hate. but im stuck here. what am i supposed to do? quit and not have a job? i have to save money. im paying off a car and now currently saving for a cruise. that's the only thing im looking forward to. i need to get out of this town. i need to just get time to choose what i want to do for myself. if i want to stay in my room and sleep till 1 im going to do it. if i want to go swimming im going to do it. that'll be an amazing feeling. anyways back on track... my crappy job that i just started and all i have to look forward to with it is working there for 6 more months. i don't get along with anyone there. it's actually a pretty easy going job for some people.. but i have no one to talk to. so what else is there to do than my job EXTRA EXTRA hard and do it over and over again. until it's time to go home. even though this is the time im looking forward to all day i hate it. i get so lonely. i drive home by myself in the dark just trying to find someone to call and talk to. heck, sometimes i get desperate and call my mother! get home at about 10:20 and then even thought i want to badly to go workout and run until i can't feel feelings anymore i no longer have the motivation. i get ready for bed and lay in bed. but that's just it, i can't sleep. i lay there in bed. watching the hours pass. my body is tired and begging for sleep but my mind wont let me sleep. nights are the worst. i have all that time to myself and my thoughts. i have so many thoughts going through my mind. one's i don't feel like sharing. loneliness creeps in. and i try so hard to fight it. i want so bad to talk to someone. for someone to tell me they want me and love talking to me and need me. but when they can't read my mind and don't say it i get mad. i become reserved from them for the rest of our conversation and then they just stop wanting to talk to me because i always pick fights. it's because im hurting. i need someone to need me. to prove they care.. ha i feel so weak and stupid saying that.... i just want to lay in bed all day, curtains drawn, music playing loud, by myself able to cry and cry. until i can't anymore. but even that doesn't comfort me.... heck, that's what i do at night. i don't know what i want. what is there to do when you yourself are confused!?! no one can help me when i don't even know whats wrong!

sweet unknown

im lost. idk whats going to happen now on. but im done planning. im giong to live in the now and stop worrying over my future which i can't control. im going to go with it. and keep those that i love and need next to me. im going to hold on tight to them. im done interfering with everyone else. im going to worry about myself. and help when im asked. i do hope im asked though... i do love to help people. i always want to... just sometimes a bad at it. . . and comforting people! hugs!! i always always want to hug people but something inside of me stops me. idk how to change that. im afraid they will turn me away i guess. because when im upset i hate getting hugs. i feel weak. so i just assume thats how everyone else will be. even when i know they want one and need one.. i would love to, but im such a chicken. ugh. anyways. here's to the new lexie!

mood

im not really in the mood to write. im not really in the mood to do anything actually. but im going to force down some of my feelings right now. but i still am going to keep some things hidden and to myself. this is sad, even on my blog i can't tell the whole truth. it's because i know too much stuff. stuff that can hurts some people or ruin others. but i don't like having that power or the responsibility. i've been stretched as far as i can go and im so sick of it. i don't want to hurt anyone! so i've got to keep all of this hidden inside me and end up hurting myself. how is this fair?! i didn't ask for any of this!! last night i made a choice. to stand up and do the thing i know is the right thing. a thing i've been wanting to do from the very beginning. it ended how i knew it would. the one i care most about in this world is done. she has chosen someone bad for her over me. idk how to handle this. . i just feel like a rain cloud is forever above me following me everywhere i go and whenever i have a good day something bad has to happen... i fear that cloudy rain cloud. the only people that i can lean on right now are people who still can't comfort me the way she used to. and the most important one is actually hers.. he loves her. i just need him here as a friend for me but how can i ask him to be a friend to me when he has to deal with it all too? i had to tell him the cold hard truth. but even that i couldn't do. i told him only half of what i know.... because i just can't rat her out like that. he's been asking if i know about it, and i refuse to answer. i keep telling him she is who he needs to talk about but him and i both know she is not going to be honest. right now in my life, i want him more than her. right now i am hurting so bad from her that how could any TRUE friend do that to me?! but i know this will all be blown passed and all my heartache will be forgotten because life goes on. im sure they will continue to be together and im sure someday, it might take many many months, but someday she will realize i was trying to help and i was doing what i should. i hope this anyways... she's so stubborn that im not even sure. she might just always hold a grudge on me. . . i guess i have no way in knowing. i feel more lost in this world than ever before..

I don't understand people

I have no one I can tell this or complain to. There is not a single thing I can do to stop it from happenning!! I've been with my friend through three years of her relationship with such an amazing man! I've fallen in love with their love. They just seemed perfect together. They fed off each other. I helped them through all the difficulties. We all 3 became strong together and they formed a bond with me also. But how am I supposed to act when both of them are doing things wrong??? They have distance between them, yes, but that's always been the case! What am I supposed to do when he texts me upset saying he knows she's with another man. Am I supposed to lie to him just to protect THEM?! I want them to be together more than anything. We've all spent these three years planning our lives. We were going to move down with his family and get settled on our own, just me and her. And then after a few years they would get married and I would live by myself. Study in college and start a career down there... but now all this could change! What am I supposed to do?! I've been planning this for far to long to change now!! She is falling for another man... Someone I know is not good for her. Someone I despise. I hate him with her. I hate her with him. So what am I supposed to tell her REAL boyfriend about the other man?? If I told him everything I see going on, all her secrets, those two would be forever done for sure. But I don't want that. I want them together. But I hate lying to him. I feel so quilty inside. When I try and bring this up subbtly to her she freaks out and we get in a fight. I don't want to risk mine an her friendship... so I keep my mouth shut... But it's not right is it? I don't know what to do here and I'm getting so sick of everything! I don't understand her and it's making me so frustrated!!! Don't date two people. You just want the comfort I understand, but you've told me that I throw that "L" word around so easily... What do you think you're doing?!?! I'm just now finding out the truth about how many guys you tell! You purposly play with mens hearts, while I have to sit by and watch. And then you get upset because you get lonley, you don't have that person to lean back on if something goes wrong. You need back-up's... this is not how life should go and it's not fair to them or you. I know how much it hurts you. Deep down you have a good personality and you know what you're doing is wrong... MANY things you are doing is wrong... So why not stop?? I don't understand. I have to sit by and watch my friend get hurt time after time and her hurt others and not say anything or else it would result in my watching from the sidelines. If I said anything I'd be gone, like all of them. You make it hard for me to get close to you because I know how much you use people... You tell me I'm the only one in your life you can always count on but it doesn't stop me from being scared you'll throw me out like the rest of them...

Death

Why do such great people have to die? Why does it have to hurt so much when they are gone? Everyone knows the answers that people use with these questions but it still seems so unfair. Death can steal away anyone, at any moment. Life isn't even that great of a gift, so why is something that takes you away from it feared so much? It's because we don't fear for the ones who've passed on, we ourselves are hurting. It's hard, especially in the beginning, how to think of our lives moving on without that someone. Even if it's someone you haven't talked to in YEARS it hurts you deep down. You have so many precious memories with those people, memories you cannot forget like they have... Really grieving is for ourselves, not the others. The other people are in a peaceful state of mind while we are here not being able to let go. Really, we are the ones death is hurting. The older you get, the more people you know who will die. This is a very scary and depressing thought really. But it's the truth. Even people whom you've known your whole life will eventually begin to disappear. They may have disappeared, but don't think of them gone. The beauty they left in our hearts will keep them alive to ourselves. Hold tight to the memories you have of them and never let them go. Imagine them in the sunlight, the flowers, a bird chirping, a loud truck coming down the street. Let their life be something to be celebrated. It's all they had and your memories are all they can leave you with. Cherish your moments, good and bad, with the people around you. Because no matter how close you are to someone, death hurts you even hearing about it on the news! Keep going through life knowing someday that you will too feel peace, even more than you can imagine.

I'm Back!! ...yet again

WOW!! Is it just me or has it been for FOREVER since I've gotten on?? I highly doubt any of you noticed (directed to my whole 3 followers)! You know, this blog is pretty important to me, it's something I can come back and look at whenever I please and remember all my silly dreams and fears. It'll be a great thing to do as I get older and change. I can come back here and always see who I really am inside if I ever loose it. Pretty powerfull stuff eh? I suggest, if you haven't already, that you get a blog and that you update it and only say things that are 100% honest to yourself! Heck, even though I really wish I had more followers, this blog is really here for me to get my feelings out, moral support if you will. So I have about a month until I'm 18! This is sooo exciting but I would be lying if I said I'm not scared. It's something I've literally been looking forward to since I was 13. Back then I always felt like I would have my life all planned out, written in stone, boy was I off!!! I have about... 0% of a clue of what I'm going to do with my life! That's the key, it's what scares me and excites me at the same time. You see, I'm a person who has always needed plans, I've gone my whole life doing the exact same things, even small little things like ordering food somewhere. Now some of you might not think this is a big deal but just recently I've found out it is!! I'm finally breaking out of my plans and just being.... ME! hehe you should try it sometime! :P 18... here I come.... ready or not!!!

I think I'm beginning to realize that literally EVERYONE hurts. There is not a single person who has a carefree easy life. People hide behind their fears and insecurity and that is why there is so much hate in this life. Girls fighting against each other over anything they can think of when why don't they just stop and realize, you're hurting the other person. You're the one putting them down like people are doing to you. Just Stop! "She's such a slut" really? do you know her life? are you there with her, holding her on nights she is laying in her bed crying because she is so lost. or are you there when she tries imagining a bettter life but just decides she's not worth it! Who are you or anyone else to say someone isn't worth a better life?! who are you to call anyone a slut!? We all make mistakes. It says in the bible that when a man and a woman have sex that a part of that person stays with you forever. They are a part of you, especially for girls. It's so strong! I have a theory.... Girls that are "sluts" or that "sleep around" maybe made a few mistakes... but eventually after being hurt so much.... they gave up.. i think secretly every single girl can fall into this. So be carefull and love the people in your life... or at least get along with them, they have problems just as bad as you do.

ReGrEt

Your voice is like poison to my soul,
calling out, promising you won't hurt me.
It's a never changing cycle,
no matter how hard I try, I can't break free.

Those light blue eyes no longer make me happy,
but instead send me a feeling of dread.
Now when I see them I remember that night,
all those lies and promises you said.

My lips tingle where yours used to be,
a feeling I could only get from you.
All those nights we stayed up talking,
imagining what would happen, if only I knew.

I gave you all of my heart,
ignoring all the facts.
I trusted you,
another thing i will never get back.

I can't trust you, nor anyone else,
you've taught me a life lesson I'll never forget.
But when I glance up at your face,
Why is it I feel everything but regret?

DrAmA?!

I am getting so sick and tired of all the drama lately. I'm so ready for school to get out!! Why does everyone have to pull me into drama? It's like they are looking for it. Like they're looking for a way to bring me down. I heard a quote the other day that said "My glass is neither half empty or half full, but cracked. Everytime happiness fills it half full it seems to seep away before I can grasp it." That's how i feel lately. And all those cracks are the people trying to bring me down. Well keep on trying! I'm not backing down! You are a two-faced who says one thing to me and turns and says the opposite to him! Don't even try denying it! I've read the messages. Why are you trying so hard to make him turn against me? Why do you care? Why's it even matter if him and I are friends. You said you would always be there for me. That you were my friend. Friends don't do this to each other. You pretend everything is fine with us but then go around making rumors trying to break us down.?? I don't understand you? You say you want me to succeed, at least, you used to. What? Was I starting my own life and you didn't like it? Was i actually becomming happy and not JUST with you and you didn't like it? Honestly I want to know! I want to know what I did to deserve this. I want to understand your side of the story. I don't know who to believe anymore. This summer I need to start over. I wish I could move away but I have no where to go now... So how am I going to start over? I'm going to make new friends. I"m going to surround myself with people that care about me. You wanted to make me feel like the only person I have in my life that mattered was you but that's not true, other people care about me too. It's not only you so stop trying to make me dependent on you like I was before. You are the one that taught me to become my own person. I am!! So it just confuses me when you turn around and are mad at me for that.... I did change, but I never tried hurting you, I was always still there for you. But now you just try making me feel guilty and dragging HIM down now too?!? Just stop. You've changed too, and I honestly don't know you anymore or even want to. You have always ment so much to me, and it breaks my heart this is how it ends. . .

on a bit happier note...

things have been getting back to normal! i don't want to even try making it sound like i did it all on my own... it was all thanks to my friend. you see some nights we have a truth night; we just sit up all night at talk about everything we've kept hidden from each other. we open ourselves up completely, trusting in each other. it's a big step for each of us but we both know the other wont judge, that is why we have such a strong friendship. that night we lit a fire and took out some blankets and marshmallows right out back of her house. we were sitting there looking at the stars and talking. she was telling me all of her secrets and i knew i was the only one to hear these. it made me feel very proud to be the first person for her to completely confide in. when i was telling her the things that have been happenning and the feelings i've been having inside she listenned. she told me that i'm not the only one going through hardships and that the things i was feeling guilty for wasn't all my fault and that people make mistakes. she helped me so much. no silly boy can compare to her. i'm very blessed to have such a great friend there for me and lately i've gone back to my normal happy go lucky self stronger and smarter than ever! :)

New Beginning

my last blog was so long ago and i swore that it was my last one, that i wouldn't turn back and continue writing-but doesn't that make me kind of a hypocryte? my blog is titled not a fairytale after all, as in life. i gave up because it wasn't like i'd wanted, life wasn't my perfect fairytale. so much has happened i can't begin to expalin and i'm literally too exhausted to try. lately i just feel worn down. i feel like everything people are asking of me is just stretching me out like a rubber band and i am so close to snapping and breaking! i'm putting on such a mask that not even i know who i really am anymore. i'm so lost in this confusing world and i'm beginning to just get sick of it- doesn't people get tired of pretending so much?! i title this post new beginning cus i WANT  a new beginning but i don't think i'll be able to actually do it. this faking has become such a routine that i honestly don't think i'll be able to stop, not even when i want to! how did it get this bad? where's the real me? everynight i cry myself to slee, not even understanding why it is i do. every morning i wake up feeling the heaviness of the day on me. i try to avoid the mirrors, even my reflection feels like a lie. i can't trust anyone not even myself. what is it that made me, someone who once was so trusting and caring, hard to the core?? i go through my life, living the same day in and out. lately i've been thinking of that night alot. the night that man hurt me more than even i realized. i think that was the night i started transforming, but i did such a good job at hiding it that not even my best friend could notice. i need someone here for me that i trust and love, but it's impossible because my heart wont let myself anymore. that horrid man haunts my dreams still. he lives everyday with me, i see him in every man. i can't trust them anymore. maybe your heart can literally only take so much before it gets too exhausted to continue on? i believe if you could die of exhaustion and heart ache i would have used my last breath a long time ago. that's what i feel like, a walking dead woman. it sounds so cliche but its completely true. he took sometihing of me i'll never be able to get back. and it makes me even more upset feeling weak because i can't get over it. he controls me, even to this day.

The End

I. Give. Up