New Beginning

my last blog was so long ago and i swore that it was my last one, that i wouldn't turn back and continue writing-but doesn't that make me kind of a hypocryte? my blog is titled not a fairytale after all, as in life. i gave up because it wasn't like i'd wanted, life wasn't my perfect fairytale. so much has happened i can't begin to expalin and i'm literally too exhausted to try. lately i just feel worn down. i feel like everything people are asking of me is just stretching me out like a rubber band and i am so close to snapping and breaking! i'm putting on such a mask that not even i know who i really am anymore. i'm so lost in this confusing world and i'm beginning to just get sick of it- doesn't people get tired of pretending so much?! i title this post new beginning cus i WANT  a new beginning but i don't think i'll be able to actually do it. this faking has become such a routine that i honestly don't think i'll be able to stop, not even when i want to! how did it get this bad? where's the real me? everynight i cry myself to slee, not even understanding why it is i do. every morning i wake up feeling the heaviness of the day on me. i try to avoid the mirrors, even my reflection feels like a lie. i can't trust anyone not even myself. what is it that made me, someone who once was so trusting and caring, hard to the core?? i go through my life, living the same day in and out. lately i've been thinking of that night alot. the night that man hurt me more than even i realized. i think that was the night i started transforming, but i did such a good job at hiding it that not even my best friend could notice. i need someone here for me that i trust and love, but it's impossible because my heart wont let myself anymore. that horrid man haunts my dreams still. he lives everyday with me, i see him in every man. i can't trust them anymore. maybe your heart can literally only take so much before it gets too exhausted to continue on? i believe if you could die of exhaustion and heart ache i would have used my last breath a long time ago. that's what i feel like, a walking dead woman. it sounds so cliche but its completely true. he took sometihing of me i'll never be able to get back. and it makes me even more upset feeling weak because i can't get over it. he controls me, even to this day.