day-by-day

my life has slowly boiled down into a boring lifeless blob. i don't even feel like myself. durring the day i have to go by a schedual i have absolutly no control over. get up early, get ready for school, put on a fake smile, and get along with people i know don't care about me. im getting so sick of people in school. sure, some i get along with. some i love being around because they make me laugh so hard and it's my only time i get to actually laugh and be sociable. but always in the back of my mind i know i don't fit in with them. im an outcast from everyone in school. i just sort of flow. there are so many cliques but i don't really belong in any specific one... maybe you'd think that would feel good... you're not labled... but it's the complete opposite. i feel worthless kind of.. i don't fit in anywhere. ashland isn't for me. it's for people who fit in a catagory. i don't. im no one. if you had to describe me. . . well i wonder what people would say. and when i go home i don't think about those people at school, and i know they don't think about me. i go home and if im lucky i get a short nap because it's really the only time i can catch up on my sleep. i've felt so drained lately. i get up from my nap cranky because my body needs at least a whole day to veg to just be stable again. but i can't get that... i have to get ready and go to work. a job i absolutly hate. but im stuck here. what am i supposed to do? quit and not have a job? i have to save money. im paying off a car and now currently saving for a cruise. that's the only thing im looking forward to. i need to get out of this town. i need to just get time to choose what i want to do for myself. if i want to stay in my room and sleep till 1 im going to do it. if i want to go swimming im going to do it. that'll be an amazing feeling. anyways back on track... my crappy job that i just started and all i have to look forward to with it is working there for 6 more months. i don't get along with anyone there. it's actually a pretty easy going job for some people.. but i have no one to talk to. so what else is there to do than my job EXTRA EXTRA hard and do it over and over again. until it's time to go home. even though this is the time im looking forward to all day i hate it. i get so lonely. i drive home by myself in the dark just trying to find someone to call and talk to. heck, sometimes i get desperate and call my mother! get home at about 10:20 and then even thought i want to badly to go workout and run until i can't feel feelings anymore i no longer have the motivation. i get ready for bed and lay in bed. but that's just it, i can't sleep. i lay there in bed. watching the hours pass. my body is tired and begging for sleep but my mind wont let me sleep. nights are the worst. i have all that time to myself and my thoughts. i have so many thoughts going through my mind. one's i don't feel like sharing. loneliness creeps in. and i try so hard to fight it. i want so bad to talk to someone. for someone to tell me they want me and love talking to me and need me. but when they can't read my mind and don't say it i get mad. i become reserved from them for the rest of our conversation and then they just stop wanting to talk to me because i always pick fights. it's because im hurting. i need someone to need me. to prove they care.. ha i feel so weak and stupid saying that.... i just want to lay in bed all day, curtains drawn, music playing loud, by myself able to cry and cry. until i can't anymore. but even that doesn't comfort me.... heck, that's what i do at night. i don't know what i want. what is there to do when you yourself are confused!?! no one can help me when i don't even know whats wrong!