mood

im not really in the mood to write. im not really in the mood to do anything actually. but im going to force down some of my feelings right now. but i still am going to keep some things hidden and to myself. this is sad, even on my blog i can't tell the whole truth. it's because i know too much stuff. stuff that can hurts some people or ruin others. but i don't like having that power or the responsibility. i've been stretched as far as i can go and im so sick of it. i don't want to hurt anyone! so i've got to keep all of this hidden inside me and end up hurting myself. how is this fair?! i didn't ask for any of this!! last night i made a choice. to stand up and do the thing i know is the right thing. a thing i've been wanting to do from the very beginning. it ended how i knew it would. the one i care most about in this world is done. she has chosen someone bad for her over me. idk how to handle this. . i just feel like a rain cloud is forever above me following me everywhere i go and whenever i have a good day something bad has to happen... i fear that cloudy rain cloud. the only people that i can lean on right now are people who still can't comfort me the way she used to. and the most important one is actually hers.. he loves her. i just need him here as a friend for me but how can i ask him to be a friend to me when he has to deal with it all too? i had to tell him the cold hard truth. but even that i couldn't do. i told him only half of what i know.... because i just can't rat her out like that. he's been asking if i know about it, and i refuse to answer. i keep telling him she is who he needs to talk about but him and i both know she is not going to be honest. right now in my life, i want him more than her. right now i am hurting so bad from her that how could any TRUE friend do that to me?! but i know this will all be blown passed and all my heartache will be forgotten because life goes on. im sure they will continue to be together and im sure someday, it might take many many months, but someday she will realize i was trying to help and i was doing what i should. i hope this anyways... she's so stubborn that im not even sure. she might just always hold a grudge on me. . . i guess i have no way in knowing. i feel more lost in this world than ever before..