sweet unknown

im lost. idk whats going to happen now on. but im done planning. im giong to live in the now and stop worrying over my future which i can't control. im going to go with it. and keep those that i love and need next to me. im going to hold on tight to them. im done interfering with everyone else. im going to worry about myself. and help when im asked. i do hope im asked though... i do love to help people. i always want to... just sometimes a bad at it. . . and comforting people! hugs!! i always always want to hug people but something inside of me stops me. idk how to change that. im afraid they will turn me away i guess. because when im upset i hate getting hugs. i feel weak. so i just assume thats how everyone else will be. even when i know they want one and need one.. i would love to, but im such a chicken. ugh. anyways. here's to the new lexie!

mood

im not really in the mood to write. im not really in the mood to do anything actually. but im going to force down some of my feelings right now. but i still am going to keep some things hidden and to myself. this is sad, even on my blog i can't tell the whole truth. it's because i know too much stuff. stuff that can hurts some people or ruin others. but i don't like having that power or the responsibility. i've been stretched as far as i can go and im so sick of it. i don't want to hurt anyone! so i've got to keep all of this hidden inside me and end up hurting myself. how is this fair?! i didn't ask for any of this!! last night i made a choice. to stand up and do the thing i know is the right thing. a thing i've been wanting to do from the very beginning. it ended how i knew it would. the one i care most about in this world is done. she has chosen someone bad for her over me. idk how to handle this. . i just feel like a rain cloud is forever above me following me everywhere i go and whenever i have a good day something bad has to happen... i fear that cloudy rain cloud. the only people that i can lean on right now are people who still can't comfort me the way she used to. and the most important one is actually hers.. he loves her. i just need him here as a friend for me but how can i ask him to be a friend to me when he has to deal with it all too? i had to tell him the cold hard truth. but even that i couldn't do. i told him only half of what i know.... because i just can't rat her out like that. he's been asking if i know about it, and i refuse to answer. i keep telling him she is who he needs to talk about but him and i both know she is not going to be honest. right now in my life, i want him more than her. right now i am hurting so bad from her that how could any TRUE friend do that to me?! but i know this will all be blown passed and all my heartache will be forgotten because life goes on. im sure they will continue to be together and im sure someday, it might take many many months, but someday she will realize i was trying to help and i was doing what i should. i hope this anyways... she's so stubborn that im not even sure. she might just always hold a grudge on me. . . i guess i have no way in knowing. i feel more lost in this world than ever before..

I don't understand people

I have no one I can tell this or complain to. There is not a single thing I can do to stop it from happenning!! I've been with my friend through three years of her relationship with such an amazing man! I've fallen in love with their love. They just seemed perfect together. They fed off each other. I helped them through all the difficulties. We all 3 became strong together and they formed a bond with me also. But how am I supposed to act when both of them are doing things wrong??? They have distance between them, yes, but that's always been the case! What am I supposed to do when he texts me upset saying he knows she's with another man. Am I supposed to lie to him just to protect THEM?! I want them to be together more than anything. We've all spent these three years planning our lives. We were going to move down with his family and get settled on our own, just me and her. And then after a few years they would get married and I would live by myself. Study in college and start a career down there... but now all this could change! What am I supposed to do?! I've been planning this for far to long to change now!! She is falling for another man... Someone I know is not good for her. Someone I despise. I hate him with her. I hate her with him. So what am I supposed to tell her REAL boyfriend about the other man?? If I told him everything I see going on, all her secrets, those two would be forever done for sure. But I don't want that. I want them together. But I hate lying to him. I feel so quilty inside. When I try and bring this up subbtly to her she freaks out and we get in a fight. I don't want to risk mine an her friendship... so I keep my mouth shut... But it's not right is it? I don't know what to do here and I'm getting so sick of everything! I don't understand her and it's making me so frustrated!!! Don't date two people. You just want the comfort I understand, but you've told me that I throw that "L" word around so easily... What do you think you're doing?!?! I'm just now finding out the truth about how many guys you tell! You purposly play with mens hearts, while I have to sit by and watch. And then you get upset because you get lonley, you don't have that person to lean back on if something goes wrong. You need back-up's... this is not how life should go and it's not fair to them or you. I know how much it hurts you. Deep down you have a good personality and you know what you're doing is wrong... MANY things you are doing is wrong... So why not stop?? I don't understand. I have to sit by and watch my friend get hurt time after time and her hurt others and not say anything or else it would result in my watching from the sidelines. If I said anything I'd be gone, like all of them. You make it hard for me to get close to you because I know how much you use people... You tell me I'm the only one in your life you can always count on but it doesn't stop me from being scared you'll throw me out like the rest of them...

Death

Why do such great people have to die? Why does it have to hurt so much when they are gone? Everyone knows the answers that people use with these questions but it still seems so unfair. Death can steal away anyone, at any moment. Life isn't even that great of a gift, so why is something that takes you away from it feared so much? It's because we don't fear for the ones who've passed on, we ourselves are hurting. It's hard, especially in the beginning, how to think of our lives moving on without that someone. Even if it's someone you haven't talked to in YEARS it hurts you deep down. You have so many precious memories with those people, memories you cannot forget like they have... Really grieving is for ourselves, not the others. The other people are in a peaceful state of mind while we are here not being able to let go. Really, we are the ones death is hurting. The older you get, the more people you know who will die. This is a very scary and depressing thought really. But it's the truth. Even people whom you've known your whole life will eventually begin to disappear. They may have disappeared, but don't think of them gone. The beauty they left in our hearts will keep them alive to ourselves. Hold tight to the memories you have of them and never let them go. Imagine them in the sunlight, the flowers, a bird chirping, a loud truck coming down the street. Let their life be something to be celebrated. It's all they had and your memories are all they can leave you with. Cherish your moments, good and bad, with the people around you. Because no matter how close you are to someone, death hurts you even hearing about it on the news! Keep going through life knowing someday that you will too feel peace, even more than you can imagine.

I'm Back!! ...yet again

WOW!! Is it just me or has it been for FOREVER since I've gotten on?? I highly doubt any of you noticed (directed to my whole 3 followers)! You know, this blog is pretty important to me, it's something I can come back and look at whenever I please and remember all my silly dreams and fears. It'll be a great thing to do as I get older and change. I can come back here and always see who I really am inside if I ever loose it. Pretty powerfull stuff eh? I suggest, if you haven't already, that you get a blog and that you update it and only say things that are 100% honest to yourself! Heck, even though I really wish I had more followers, this blog is really here for me to get my feelings out, moral support if you will. So I have about a month until I'm 18! This is sooo exciting but I would be lying if I said I'm not scared. It's something I've literally been looking forward to since I was 13. Back then I always felt like I would have my life all planned out, written in stone, boy was I off!!! I have about... 0% of a clue of what I'm going to do with my life! That's the key, it's what scares me and excites me at the same time. You see, I'm a person who has always needed plans, I've gone my whole life doing the exact same things, even small little things like ordering food somewhere. Now some of you might not think this is a big deal but just recently I've found out it is!! I'm finally breaking out of my plans and just being.... ME! hehe you should try it sometime! :P 18... here I come.... ready or not!!!